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Apr26

I saw 103.6

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…for the first time in a long time, last week.

It’s been 5 months since Andrew and I broke up. We dated (again, again) from June-December 31st, 2014.
Yup, he broke up with me via text on new years eve.
I know now, looking back, that the relationship was unhealthy (and kept me sick in my Anorexia)..
But a part of me misses it!! 😦

I was pretty bad symptom wise, and held my weight around 98 lbs…
But I felt “loved”.
And I may have been using him, to fill a part of me that I felt I was missing.
But he did the job, physically-emotionally-intimately.
I miss that.
But I think I also just miss someone loving and caring for me, in a deep way.
I can’t say I was “in-recovery” from my eating disorder, by any means, before we got back together.
But I think a part of the reason I had gotten so bad/sick again while with him, was that we were intimately involved.
I hated the thought of him seeing me. Really seeing me.
Scars, body, flaws, everything.. exposed.
So I reverted back to the all-to-familiar coping mechanism, to try to “fix myself” (because I’m inherently flawed)..
so that he wouldn’t leave me.
I could fit what he wanted me to be.

But in the end, I wasn’t ______ enough.
And that is just a constant reminder of the dark, yearning, aching part in my soul that never feels “enough” for anyone.
Especially me.

I miss my eating disorder.
And I know that it hasn’t “gone anywhere”, but I miss the raging feeling of being “in control”.

I’m crawling in my skin.

It’s getting bad again… and no one knows it but me.